There is no really reliable survey out there so we can only go on the approximation of divorce figures which are now, in the Western world creeping towards the 60% mark. If six out of every ten publicly committed (which is what a marriage is) relationships fail then we might as well assume that six out of every ten relationships is not right from the start.

The question is how can you know and why do they even start. Easy answers first so let’s start with the second part of this question. The beginning of every relationship is an exciting time and a step in uncharted waters which makes everything seem fresher, sharper and more real. It is easy, in that state of mind, to overlook many apparent issues. But while it is easy to start a relationship which is not really going to go anywhere or be any good for either partner it becomes a lot harder to understand why we continue to stay in one.

One reason may be uncertainty. It is sometimes easier to stay with the devil you know than do the brave thing and leave. Another is that breaking up is hard to do. No one likes to be the bad person in a relationship and suddenly deciding to call it a day requires a high degree of self-confidence in your choice and in your ability to make it alone.

People who live together, even if the relationship is bad, have lives which are tangled up. In order to split up they usually need to separate possessions, pets, friends and even parts of the city or the area they live in. None of this is easy, so unless things escalate into violence or abuse the relationship becomes a trap that’s difficult to recognise and even harder to break out of.

Look at the signs of a relationship that is no longer fulfilling and is no more than a convention:

No time for each other – I am not talking about a special project at work which takes ups all your partner’s available time for a week or even a month. If consistently there is no time for each other in your relationship then there is a real issue here.

Tension – When you get home from work or when you get home from anywhere the place you share should be a safe haven. The crib where you both get to unwind, be yourselves and just relax. If you cannot do that at home it means there is unresolved tension in your relationship which is preventing both of you from being comfortable with each other when there is no one else around.

Arguing – I know everyone argues. But arguing all the time over sometimes trivial things is not normal. Arguments are like the tip of the iceberg. What causes them is not what you see but the hidden tensions behind it all. A glass of spilled milk or a sock on the floor suddenly become the catalyst for a lot of pent-up feelings to break through and this makes it easy to have a massive argument over what is seemingly nothing. Arguments are warning signs. If you argue things are wrong.

Tension in bed – Sex is the one area where you both get to really let your defences down. In order to appreciate each other you need to have complete trust and complete honesty. Sex then becomes something you both enjoy. If this feeling of trust and honesty is not there sex leaves you feeling guilty and frustrated, strangely unsatisfied without knowing why.

Flirting with others – Flirting is a game, but it can also be a signal that one or both partners in a relationship want out. If you see that your partner is flirting with others every time you go out, or if you find yourself doing it you need to ask the reason why. Flirting does not just happen, it is a rehearsal for something much more serious.

Sullenness at home – Talking is communicating. If you find that your relationship is unfolding in a cocoon of silence there is lack of communication which is preventing you from understanding what you each want from this and where you want to go. The choices here are as simple as they are stark: either start talking or start preparing to get out.

These six warning signs are common to the majority of relationships and marriages which fail. The sad thing is that sometimes even good relationships can fail because those in them simply do not know how to make them work. It’s not like you get a manual at the beginning of a relationship which then guides on how to make it work better.

Be prepared to be receptive to ideas on how to make your relationship work and you may indeed beat the statistics.

 

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