Tue 18 Nov 2008 |
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| When it comes to debating whether we should sleep with a guy on the first date it should be right up there with those two other constant points of the moral compass: 1. How small should your bikini be? and 2. What will my mother think? The point is that provided you are not hurting yourself or anybody else and you are not breaking any laws the question of morality in sleeping with a guy you like on the first date does not even come into it. Nor will making him wait when you both want to create any better sense of respect and understanding between you and become a better basis for a relationship later on.  If you really like a guy, and the attraction is mutual, and you are both consenting adults then there is absolutely no problem having sex provided you are honest and open about what you are doing and understand exactly where it may lead or where it may not. I have plenty of friends who have slept with their guy on the first date and have then gone on to have a long-term, stable, meaningful relationship. I also have a few for whom it did not work out and the thing is there is no recipe and there is no certainty. Sexual chemistry is a funny thing exactly because so much of it occurs in the head and is influenced by the moment. The ensemble of feeling, time and place that are created by being with a guy at an outdoor rock concert are not the same as being with the same guy in a pub or at a dinner party. Each scene produces its own dynamics and these inform the way we behave and the way we relate to the people we meet. We form friendships that way and there is nothing at all wrong with forming intimate relationships the same way. Just like the friendships we form they may be of the moment or they may last a lifetime. The thing to remember is that while there are no rules to help you decide whether you should sleep with a guy you’ve met on the first date (after all you’re an adult, right?) there are guidelines which apply afterwards and which help to keep everything in perspective: It’s just sex – just because you both got carried away and have had a great time does not mean that you now have to be together for the rest of your lives. Be adult enough to admit it was fun and do not call it a ‘mistake’ and if you decide that you don’t really want to see each other again remain mature enough to appreciate that while it lasted you were probably giving each other what you both most wanted. You still need to date – the reason we date is because it’s fun, it’s romantic and it allows us to get to know each other in a light-hearted way. Sex on the first date has the propensity to short-circuit the process leading each partner to think that just because they got there fast they know each other and things between them are perfect. That’s a trap. You still need to take time to explore each other’s personalities, just as if you were dating, and the best way sometimes is to continue going on dates. No guilt trips – the worst possible thing either of you can do after having sex is engage in some sort of weird guilt trip based around whatever you may think your friends, his friends, society, your mum or some sort of deity. None of these played any role in your decision to go to bed with each and they should not really figure in what happens afterwards. Provided you follow these tips, remain real, level-headed and practical you are then in the best position possible to decide what the next best step should be for both of you. 
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Unless it's love at first sight, you can't be sure the other person is perceiving sex in the same way as you. Because, like you said, there are many different reasons for having sex. Once two people are together physically/sexually, it's not likely their feelings are strong enough for a serious relationship. My recent boyfriend EXPECTED sex thereafter as if it was no big deal. The mystery disappears and respect is lessened.
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September 30, 2009
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